Memory 6

[malignstar]

THINGS TO NOTE ABOUT THIS MEMORY:
- This memory is disorienting to watch since it's clouded by heavy drunkenness. So assume parts are foggy and not entirely clear.
- Any introspection that relates to something that happened prior to this memory is ONLY flavor text to help the writing flow. The view isn't getting it.


The first thing he notices about this memory is how woozy and disoriented he feels. He's staggering around in the dark, palming at the guardrail beside him. Notably, the extra weight of his wings seems to be absent. The air is thick with the smell of alcohol. And blood. Some even trickles down his face from a cut near his forehead. He ignores it, as he takes another swig from the bottle holds loosely at his side. He looks around him, trying to get his bearings, but the fog in his head makes that nearly impossible. Probably shouldn't have tossed his phone earlier. Though he hadn't expected that asshole to answer. He'd thrown the phone then just to get as far away from that voice as he could. Just thinking about it makes him want to smash this bottle against the guardrail.

All he can do is keeping following it and hope some passerby sees him. Not that he's heard any cars for some time.

Without warning, the ground beneath him slumps sharply, spilling him forward and rolling him down an unseen incline. His cheek slams harshly against the dirt, ringing his already loopy head. He groans, wondering whether he should even bother getting up this time. The ground is cold, but at least his head is spinning slightly less than when he was walking.

"AMRITAS!"

So much for that. He winces under the verbal assault before recognition of the voice begins to set in, and along with it, a powerful misery. Why is he here? Wasn't he supposed to be gone? A deep resentment begins to creep into the sadness.

He pushes roughly against the ground, forcing himself to his feet and fighting to ignore how the world jumps around him. The voice doesn't sound that far off. He follows it, directly in part by the growing heat atop his breastbone, where a dark stone shaped like a globule sits. The owner of the voice is unlikely to notice him emerging from the dark immediately, as they're in opposite directions.

Or so Felix thinks before the young man whirls on him with ridiculous speed, an inhuman (almost canine) growl pouring from him. Nikki?

Felix isn't fazed. "What are you doing here, Nick? Don't you have to get going? Don't have time to concern yourself with us, right?" His tone is bitter, laced with something edging on hysteria. The second part comes as a surprise.

"Amritas!" Nikki gasps in obvious relief, even as he takes in Felix's state. Then, his expression turns hard. "Where the hell have you been? Your sister's worried sick."

Felix turns on his heels and starts to walk (unsteadily) away from Nikki, tossing his arms behind his head. "What? Were you worried about poor helpless Lucien? I feel touched."

"Are you drunk?"

Felix just laughs and takes another drink from what's left in the bottle, throwing back his head and closing his eyes. He lowers the bottle from his mouth and breathes out slowly before flinging the bottle at Nikki. Nikki barely manages to avoid being hit, as he leaps back.

"No." Felix's voice rolls out in a languid droll that matches his unfocused gaze. "Why do you ask?"

Nikki's violet eyes flash with fury, as he lunges at Felix, digging his fingers into his shoulders so hard that Felix's sure he's going to leave bruises. "What the hell's gotten into you? You could've killed yourself tonight. What would do that do to your sister? And that ludicrous Catelyn. How do you think she would take hearing her boyfriend's dead?"

Felix rolls his eyes and tears himself away. "Like you even care. You're just going to leave us anyway."

Nikki catches his arm. "Idiot! After all that bullshit you feed me about thinking of others, you have the nerve to pull this crap!"

"Fuck you! You never listen to me! All my words just go in one ear and out the other. So don't even try to play the guilt trip on me. Just leave like you said you were going to." Felix jerks his head to the side, his tone starting to get higher, more desperate. "Why am I even telling you this? You don't care. Why'd you bother to come out here? Want to make sure I don't screw up anything else?"

Nikki grips his arm tighter. "Grow up! I'm sick of playing these useless games with you. How dare you have the audacity to get drunk like a common pathetic teenager. I figured you had more sense than that."

"Yeah? Well excuse me if my life's taught me that many problems can be solved with a little liquor. We can't all turn into wolves and hide out in the woods until we feel better."

Nikki's glare turns even colder. "Do you even know how stupid you sound? What's your problem tonight? Even being drunk couldn't make you this hostile."

Felix lets out a shaky cough, as he gives Nikki a vicious smile. "Maybe it's not the drink. Maybe it's the fact that I went through all the trouble of wheedling you into joining our motley crew and actually decided to trust someone outside my family only to have it thrown back in my face." He shoves Nikki backward with the strength he has left. "Maybe it's the fact you have your head shoved too far up your ass to realize people need you!"

Nikki manages to keep his hold on Felix's arm and yanks him back when Felix's shove causes him to stumble. "If you start that shit again, I will kick your ass!"

Felix surges forward so that he's half an inch from Nikki's face. "You want to hit me? Go on. I'm used to it."

Shame falls over Nikki's face, as Lucien's arm falls from his grasp. The look slowly turns to guilt and misery. He takes a few steps back. "I'm not going to hit you, Amritas." He turns away, as he shoves his hands into his jacket pockets. Felix idly notes that it's the same ragged jacket that Nikki was wearing when they first saw each other. He hasn't seen it since he dragged Nikki out to buy a new one. Then he realizes Nikki is saying something again. "... back to Tamira. You look awful." He's holding a hand toward him, palm open.

Something about that gesture, in light of everything else, makes something snap inside Felix. How dare Nikki act like his friend right now after telling him in no uncertain terms that they were anything but? Who does he think he is? His babysitter?

Felix slaps the hand away and scowls at Nikki. "I'm not going anywhere with you."

"Amritas."

"Not going to threaten me again?" he taunts, stepping toward Nikki again.

"No." Nikki sounds almost defeated, barely able to look him in the eye.

Felix leans halfway in. "Not going to drag my drunk ass away, kicking and screaming?"

"No."

Felix's stomach churns at the pained reply, but he's too deep in his anger to give into anything else. He forces out a hiccupping singsong, his face almost hurting from the intensity of his grin. "Really? You're missing your big chance here."

Nikki tries to turn away even more. "I'm not going to hurt you anymore."

A scathing laugh cuts its away across Felix's throat. "Well, that's too bad. Because I'm sure as hell going to get a piece of you!" He lunges at Nikki's chest, throwing him to the ground and punching him in the face. Then he hits him again. And again. And again. The world around him turns into shifting swirls of red and black and all he can hear is the sound of flesh striking flesh (or more often than not, dirt, as his focus is completely shot), each blow growing weaker than the last. "I hate you! I hate you! What have you done to me? You ruined everything!"

Eventually, his strength wears out so that all he can do is clutch at Nikki's shirt, as tears falls from his eyes. "So why do I still want you to stay? Why do I need you?!"

"I don't know." Nikki's voice comes rough and pained, and for the first time, Felix is suddenly aware that Nikki never even tried to stop him.

Felix looks up to take in the sight of Nikki's now heavily bruised and bleeding face, those ever cold violet eyes averted to the side and impossibly full of guilt, even within a patch of blossoming dark blues and purples. Injuries that he put there. He's reminded of just how accustomed to pain Nikki is.

"Maybe it's your addiction," Nikki breathes.

Felix pushes himself off, feeling disgusted with himself. What the fuck did he just do? "I'm sorry! Oh god, I'm sorry, Nikki!" His voice comes in hiccuping sobs.

Nikki sits up, wincing and pressing a hand to the swollen mess that is his cheek, as he struggles to his feet. "I forgot how hard you can hit when you want to." He takes a long breath. "Don't worry about it right now. I promised Tamira that I would get you back home, and that's what I'm going to do. Come on." He holds his hand out to Felix again.

Felix just stares at him in horror. Why isn't Nikki shouting at him? Nikki always shouts at him. "I hurt you..."

"That doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters! You didn't deserve that. Let me..." Felix climbs to his feet, still tottering from his alcohol intake.

"You're not cutting yourself while you're drunk. I'm bringing you home." Nikki's voice is even, as he turns to start walking in the direction of what Felix suspects is the car.

Even after everything, Felix can't bring himself to move. He knows what will happen if they go back. Nikki will leave again. He's made it clear he's only here because Tamira insisted. She probably found some way to guilt him into it. Once his obligation is fulfilled, he has no reason to stay. And why should he after what Felix just pulled? Felix has no right to expect anything else.

He wraps his arms around himself, feeling even more heady as the alcohol works its effects. "No."

Nikki turns, exasperated. "Amritas."

"I don't want to go home!" Felix snaps. " I just want, I want to go some place where I can think."

Nikki stares at him hard for a moment, and Felix wonders whether this will end in him being physically dragged toward the car. It's not like he could blame Nikki for thinking it. Then, Nikki seems to deflate, his shoulders dropping and all his usual intensity melting away until he looks absolutely defeated.

"Okay. I know a place."

Felix blinks at him. "What?"

"I can take you somewhere to think and cool your head. Then we can head back. Deal?"

Felix isn't sure he's fully processing any of this. "You're really not going to take me back?"

"No. Do you trust me?"

Felix finds himself powerless before those words. All of his rage and hurt and fear slowly start to draw back. Nikki might be a major asshole, probably the biggest asshole he's ever met, but he's never lied to him. He wants to believe him. He wants to stay by his side just a little longer...

He drops his arms to his side and closes the distance between them. "I trust you."